how to pull a straight guy

Straight blokes. They’re a bit of all right, ain’t they. Playing footy in the park with their shirts off and scratching their nuts in public, let’s face it, they’re a complete turn on. But untouchable right? That’s part of the allure is it not? Wrong!

Know your location

He is not going to want to explore ‘the dark side’ if he’s at his Nan’s having Sunday lunch or out with his girlfriend. Instead pick a time when you’re both alone and comfortable. This rule is very important. It could be the decider between going home empty handed with a black eye or going home with an empty sack and a black and blue arsehole.

Look for the signs

Don’t expect the signs to be blatant, he’s not very likely to be wearing a rainbow thong or have a tattoo of Bette Midler riding a donkey on his arse cheek. Is he flamboyant with his hand gestures? Does he hum along to ‘sound of the underground’ when it comes on the radio? If the answer is yes he’s definitely hot for a man on man, bum bashing, sweaty bastard of a fuck fest.

Get him drunk

This is possibly the most important rule of pulling a straight lad. You’ve all heard the saying “What’s the difference between a straight man and a gay man?”, “about 6 pints”. This is true but I’d advise you to give him a few shots of sambuka as well to sweeten the deal.

Set yourself a goal and a time limit

If he’s one worth working on, take your time on him. Friday, graze his knee gently with your hand. Saturday, ‘accidently’ he catches you staring at him longingly. Sunday, well you’re as hung-over as Lisa Riley’s gut on Sunday, so have a day off, you deserve it.

The girl friend

Or as you like to refer to her ‘the pug faced, fishwife looking, crusty flapped whore bag’. Avoid eye contact with her. Avoid conversation with her. Avoid her altogether if possible because women know when something is up and she’ll be onto you faster than Winehouse to a crack pipe.

Shake off his mates

Are they constantly with him? Spoiling your attempts of agrope at every turn? Get rid of them! Try to steer away from anything as drastic as attacking them with an electric drill and plump for a diversion. For instance, if you’re all out together down the pub, tell him you need to walk to the shop and ask him would he mind coming along with you as it’s dangerous at this time of night for an innocent such as you.

Drop hints

In between staring at him whilst fantasising about how he’d look with spunk all over his face and listening to his sorrow inducing, awful ‘bloke jokes’ (you know the ones “blonde bird with big tits walks into a pie shop” etc), try and establish some flirty banter. For instance, ask him if he’s ever thought about sleeping with a man. If he says yes and is comfortable with it, you’re in. However, if he says no or it’s disgusting, hit him with the straight lads first commandment; ‘any holes a goal’.

Ask people he has slept with what the size of his penis is.

There is absolutely no point in spending all this time and effort on him if, on the day you finally get down his pants, he has a cock that would make one of the borrowers feel self conscious.

Be bold

Subtle tactics are now a thing of the past. Once you are sure he is up for some action, move things further. Shamelessly offer to rim him whilst in the queue at Tesco, squeeze his arse when nobody is looking in the lift and whilst at lunch put to him that you will wank him off in exchange for a bite of his steak. If he doesn’t put up too much of a fight to these advances, or even better reciprocates them, then you’ll be humping and bumping like a Viagra induced ,super porno rabbit in no time.

And finally

If all the above has failed you and he is one of the 0.02% of the male population that is not even in the slightest bit bisexual, then I suggest you hang up your stockings and call it a day. Get tanked up, go out on the town and find yourself a nice gay man. What are you trying it on with straight blokes for anyhow? You weirdo.