FITNESS TOP TEN

By Hyan Thiboutot.

Right, ya fat bastards. So you wanna get rid of that flab and gain a million dollar body on a two cent budget? You've come to the right place.

Instead of giving you a break-down of a bodybuilder's program which you can easily nick from the net, I'll outline ten basic principals that if maintained, will get you great results, without having you gob diuretic, steroids and shite that gives you prize-winning zits on yer arse. This is an all natural, all proven method of gaining that body perfect.

All you need to bring is a little torque, consistency, and f-en common sense.

I've lost 5.5 stones in 6 months by using only three of the ten tips in here. If I can do it, well, chances are, you can too. In other words, ya lazy prats, arses off the bar stool and into gear.

1. CUT THE SHIT.

Right after you finish this article, cut your bread intake by half, your milk intake by half, your sugar intake completely, and any other imponderables with high artificial shite in it. Do eat all your meats and vegetables.

A meal portion should be twice the size of your fist. And don't eat anything after 7pm. It's basic, but man, some of you lot don't seem to understand that whatever your body doesn't immediately

2. MOVE MORE, EAT LESS.

It stands without saying that if you consume less than you take in, your body will turn to it's stored resources (fat) and break it up. If you add exercise and aerobics to it, the raised metabolism speeds up this process and causes you to lose fat faster, not just water, but actual fat. (It takes 30-40 minutes of continuos exercise)

3. GET YERSELF A BIKE.

If you have the space, get a stationary bike and a computer. Put on a favourite film or TV episode, begin to cycle and watch it. The thing to remember is that you don't have to pedal like a demented asshole to get your metabolism going, just a constant speed that raises your breathing, and makes you feel hot at the ten minute mark. The TV is there to babysit the brain because let's face it, cycling at home is freckin' boring. But the results are amazing.

4. GET A ROPE.

Ok, so you don't have room for a bike at home. No problem. Get an ipod with some kickin' tunes, and buy a 99 pence skipping rope from Tesco, and skip for 15-20 minutes, everyday. Yes, you will look like a sissy. In fact, like a right demented wanker. But this is a fantastic way of burning fat, and makes you agile. A useful skill to have when running away from the Ol' Bill.

5. STICK TO IT.

Fat burns on two levels, the immediate trauma of excercise, and the time factor of weeks and months. The thing is, once you get started and begin having results, it takes less effort to maintain a buffed body. Think of it as an aeroplane: it takes lots of fuel and energy on take off, and practically nothing at cruising altitude.

6. SPORTS.

In addition to the stuff you do at home, go kick a ball with your mates. If you're an office wanker, play squash. The social aspect of it will make you forget that you're burning fat. Think of it as weight less hypnosis.

7. ABS.

Do crunches or double lifts (for you thick-os out there, that's crunches and straight legs raises at the same time; looks like a reverse lawn chair folding) 3-4 times a week will do. All you need is three sets of 15-20, and that's it. No point doing high reps and monster sets. Your abs only need a little prodding, often.

8. MUAY TAI.

If biking, squash and rope skipping are not your thing, try kickboking or Muay Tai. These two suckers will give you an overall physique that will knock them dead at the beach. It covers shoulders, back, legs, cardio and abs (and yes, it will give you that V shape in the lower abs that folk love to sink their teeth into). Learning to handle yourself will also boost your confidence no end, and
keep you cool-headed under pressure. You'll might also make friends.

9. TREAT YOURSELF.

Here at Fitlads we believe in hard work and hard play. So on Sunday, treat yourself. Eat what you want; as much as you want. Three things will happen here: you'll mess with your body's adaptive process (which helps in burning fat), you'll reward yourself (which is always nice when earned), and you'll notice that you actually consume less food then you did before, because through exercise, your body becomes a dynamic machine that processes energy better – in other words, it needs less to achieve more.

10. BUILD IT UP.

No point killing yourself on the first week. Build up your endurance. Start at 10 minutes (men tend to begin struggling at the ten minute mark), add five minutes each day until you consistently cycle or skip 40 minutes. It really works.

EXTRA: SHAVE.

Get rid of all that shite hair on yer chest and legs (crack and sack too, while yer at it). Buy a clipper. Go to number one. And mow the bastard. You'll be stunned by just how cool you look trimmed and skinned. I promise you, you won't go back.

DOUBLE EXTRA: GET A TAN.

This will buff the little imperfection in the skin and give you a healthy glow. Go every 10 days or so, for about 5-7 minutes. Don't go ape-shit and roast yourself everyday. More is not better when it comes to tanning. A little, once in a while, goes a long way. Don't forget to use cream or moisturiser.

The trick here is to stick with it. Follow what I've outlined, and your Kebab blubber will peel off in slabs.

And another cool thing: when you're in shape, you tendto spring out of bed in the morning, before your hard on even knows you're up.

Is it worth it, I hear yar shleps asking? On your next blow job, you'll get a right kick out of actually seeing your partner go down on you, instead of disappearing under the horizon and resurface ten minutes later with pig-eye and a squirt of yogurt. This way, you'll get to see it all happen in real time. That's gotta be worth it.

Next issue, I'll cover how to build bigger, rock hard muscles with just a back pack, a few weights, and a door frame. After a few weeks, you'll be crushing walnuts between your butt cheeks.