How to be a successfull big brother contestant

With Essential Manchester's very own Chrissy Darling.

1. Go to an audition! No audition, no Big Brother! Easy peasy!
   
   
2. Be prepared for every shady thing you’ve ever done in your life to surface! That lad you
   dumped and ripped off will sell his story to some tabloid rag as soon as your arse appears on television!
   
   
3. God help you if you have a tiny cock because the whole world will find out when some disgruntled (and skint) ex sells his ‘kiss and tell’ story to the papers! The same rule applies if you do extremely odd things in bed too!
   
   
4. Be prepared to sell your soul to the Devil! They will make you do things you wouldn’t make your dog do and all on camera too so the whole world can see you make a complete prick of yourselves!!
   
   
5. Be a two faced, devious bitch! Meaning, be scheming BUT don’t let anyone know! Loud mouthed bitches get thrown out quicker than quiet devious bitches! The trick is to avoid getting nominated because if you are being overtly devious the public will rumble you and they will vote you out quicker!
   
   
6. Do not get drunk and start having sex with another contestant under the sheets thinking no one will see ya!! They will! There’s night time camera’s ya daft sod! The same goes for a five knuckle shuffle! EVERYONE will see it and you’ll be pointed at for the rest of your life as that ‘dirty bitch’ from Big Brother.
   
   
7. Make sure you have a skill to go back to for when you leave the Big Brother house!!! You’ll get your ten minutes of fame all right but then you’ll be old news and if you end up working in a burger bar or cleaning toilets, you’ll be forever mocked by people for being a big loser!!
   
   
8. It helps if you have a dying relative whilst in the Big Brother house, the younger the better, cos you’ll get the sympathy vote. This will work until the last couple of weeks then the public will get bored of your bleeding heart story and vote your arse out!
   
   
9. The best tip of all is DO NOT enter the Big Brother house in the first place!!! Cos the chances are it will foook up your life for you! People will forever rip the piss out of you when your ten minutes of fame is up!
   
   
10. Make sure you are single when you leave the big Brother house, cos you will get masses of sex off different people when you get out! Lads who wouldn’t wipe shit off their shoes with you before you went into the Big Brother house will do anything you want sexually for the first few weeks after you get out! Cash in quick with this though cos a couple of weeks longer and no one will be interested!

You can read Chrissy’s column on the Essential website at: www.essentialmanchester.com/gossip_chrissy.php